Expectations
by Sabreene
Summary: Just a little two part story from the prompt on the BSN Anders thread. The prompt was to start a story with: "He certainly hadn't expected that to happen." It does contain a little bit of implied sexual content.
1. Chapter 1

He certainly hadn't expected that to happen. Anders blinked twice, closed his eyes and then blinked again. Nope, they were still there. He wondered if he should say anything. No, better not. It would just get him into trouble. Or rather, more trouble than he was already in. They couldn't blame him for this, could they? After all, when he left they'd all still been wearing clothes. He slowly tried to back out of the room before anyone noticed him. Please don't let the floor creak, he prayed to no one in particular. Bump. Anders swallowed. Please let him have miscalculated the placement of the beam. He turned slowly to find Iseult standing behind him, eyebrow raised.

"From that look, I take it you had some hand in this," she gestured to the room. Tables were knocked over and empty bottles lay haphazardly with books, scattered across the floor. "The library? Really?"

"Well…" Anders glanced behind him and then back at Iseult. "It sort of made sense at the time."

She motioned him into the hallway and closed the door behind her. "Explain?"

"It really wasn't my fault. I just provided the ale, and maybe a few bottles of alcohol."

"So simple drinking led to that." Now Iseult raised both eyebrows. "There was a vine circling a bookshelf. With bright red flowers. And a distinct lack of clothing, except for you."

"Well, I… may have inadvertently had something to do with that. Someone put butter on my staff."

"Ah. That explains last week."

"So I thought it might be funny if a few of our companions thought that they were receiving notes from each other." Anders tried to walk her further down the hall. He really didn't want to be there when the door opened again.

"What kind of notes?"

Anders handed her a slip of paper. He was impressed – she read it without the slightest blush.

"You misspelled ecstasy," she said, handing the note back. "But the sketch was good."

"Thanks, I…"

There was a sound of fury behind them.

"Human! Explain this."

"Commander…" Anders began, beseechingly.

"You're the one that gave Velanna erotic love notes, you're going to have to deal with her."

"I remember you giving us liquor. Explain."

There were leaves in Velanna's hair and what little clothing she wore was ripped, a bruise starting to turn shocking colors on her arm. The most notable thing, however, was the tattoo on her bare shoulder. It was a stylized tree, with the hint of a grey warden griffin in its roots.

"Yes, Anders, why don't you explain," said a new voice, as Ambassador Cera exited out of the room. She was in a similar state to Velanna, and they both blushed and looked away as their eyes met. She also had a tattoo on her shoulder – a tree that nearly matched Velanna's. Again the two women's eyes met and they looked away.

"The ale from last night… it might've been spiked with Oghren's special brew."

"That does not explain this," Velanna motioned angrily around her. "I remember… a fight."

"Yes," Cera chimed in, and then glared at Velanna. "You wrote me notes, and then you denied it!"

"No, _you_ wrote me notes and then denied it!" Velanna shot back, anger simmering like a tangible thing between them.

Anders stepped valiantly between them. "Actually… I wrote the notes. It was supposed to be a joke."

"It failed." Velanna said, scathingly. Anders was sure if the Commander wasn't standing right there, he'd be in much more trouble.

"They weren't even for you. If you didn't go around picking up every bit of litter so you could complain about us, you wouldn't have read them."

"And me?" Cera asked, with more anger than Anders had ever seen her display.

"I might've… left them for you. But you weren't supposed to think they were from Velanna – I never thought…" Anders stopped, glancing from one woman to the other. He really had never seen that coming.

"Did you also tattoo us?" Velanna demanded, "And steal our clothing?"

"No," Anders waved his hands in protest. "You were both still fighting last I saw. I don't know what happened."

"What about them?" Velanna gestured behind her.

This joke definitely wasn't ending up like he expected. He'd expected the notes to be picked up by Cera and Nate, Sigrun and Oghren. Nate was supposed to stammer and blush and look awkward as Cera confronted him, and Sigrun was supposed to beat Oghren about the head. Nothing had gone right.

"Well? They are both similarly unclothed and entwined," Velanna blushed, determinedly not looking at Cera, "And have tattoos."

"The same, they read the notes and drank the alcohol and started arguing."

"So you just left all of them fighting, after you'd started it?" Iseult's voice was none too happy.

"I went to find you, but you weren't in your rooms. So I thought I'd get more ale, make them pass out – only I think I passed out first."

"Then who gave us the tattoos?" Velanna's voice was shrill. Little shoots of bramble began to grow from the cracks in the stone flooring.

"You don't like them?" A new voice slid seductively into the conversation, "Ah, I'm hurt. You girls were very… enamored of them last night. And of one another. If only I hadn't been otherwise engaged…" Anders turned in time to see a very tanned elf run a finger down his Commander's neck. He tried to hide his grin. Zevran was back. This should be fun.

"Zevran," Iseult said, catching his hand. "Is this what you were doing while I was meeting with Varel?"

"I had to occupy my time somehow, mi amor. I thought it some of my best work. Seldom have I done four in one night," he gave a little smirk, and Anders turned away to hide his laugh.

"We asked for these?" Velanna scoffed.

"Indeed. You also asked for the names of one another," Zevran's voice was amused, "The others only wanted the Grey Warden tattoo. They seemed much past the drunken lust phase."

"There was no lust!"

"No?" Zevran smiled, "My mistake then. Although… could you moan for me? I never forget a moan."

Velanna closed her mouth, opened it, and then closed it again.

"Speechless. I don't know if I've seen that before." Anders said, impressed.

"Why's everyone outside the library?" Oghren asked, stumbling into the conversation, still bleary-eyed and a little drunk. He opened the door before anyone could stop him. Anders couldn't help staring. He'd never expected all those luscious curves underneath the armor she always wore.

Sigrun's voice cut right through his reverie, "Oghren if you don't close that door right this instant, you'll be wearing your ass as a hat!"

"Asshat," Oghren chortled, but he closed the door quickly.

Sigrun opened the door a few inches. She held a scrap of clothing up in front of her. "Would you mind taking all this conversation someplace else?"

Velanna turned on her. "Where is your anger?" she demanded.

"I'll show you my anger, if you don't move along," Sigrun replied. "Oh, Zevran, thanks for the tattoos. Nice work."

"You're welcome, my lovely," Zevran gave a small bow.

"You should be furious! Those letters are forgeries, made by him!" Velanna pointed, and Anders wondered if he was imagining the thorn pressing into his ankle.

"Give it up, Velanna. Sounded like you were enjoying yourself to me. Now, all of you, shoo!" she waved her hands, "And don't come back for at least 3 hours. No, 4 hours. And only come back if you bring food." She closed the door firmly in all of their faces.

"So Velanna, you and the Ambassador, hunh? She teach you any runes?" Oghren waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"Shut up, dwarf," Velanna turned and stalked away. After a moment, Cera followed.

"You know they'll eventually make you pay for this," Iseult said as they started toward the kitchens.

"I know," Anders sighed. A duster and a rogue. What had he been thinking?

"That tattoo gives Nate a much more menacing look, don't you think?" Zevran said, "It goes well with that scowl and those muscles." He gave a sly glance at Anders, "He is very good with poisons and lockpicking, no?"

Anders sighed again. "Yes."

Nate and Sigrun. Together. Anders decided he was never pulling a practical joke again. Well, not until this one had blown over, at least.


	2. Chapter 2

He certainly hadn't expected that to happen. He looked down in embarrassment.

"It's okay, it happens to everyone," the girl next to him said.

"You don't understand, not to _me_," Anders said. What was wrong with him? Was he sick? Had he lost his touch? Was it the taint? Anders was horrified. The taint. Grey Wardens were supposed to have unlimited stamina. But what if it worked the opposite in someone who already had great stamina? What if it diminished your stamina? Anders fought to get control of his breathing. He would not panic. He would not.

"It happens to everyone," she repeated kindly, patting his hand. "Don't worry about it. We can try again in the morning, if you want to stay the night."

He finally looked up at her. She really was quite pretty, even after all the alcohol wore off. He let his eyes rove over her curves in hope some visual stimulation would… well, stimulate. Nothing was working.

"It's never happened to me before."

"First time for everything."

"But I'm a _healer_. And this is my specialty. Well, one of my specialties, I'm really quite good."

"Well, if this is your specialty, I'd say you need a little more practice." The girl… what was her name? Anders couldn't remember. She was starting to get a little snippy.

"I don't need more practice, there's something wrong." He looked down again, not even magic had helped. It was the taint. He was going to have to live like this forever. "I should be able to control everything."

"Oh?" The girl, Lynn? Landra? Lenora? Stood up from the bed, wrapping the sheet around her. Anders hurried to pull his robe into his lap. She didn't need to see any reminders of his failure. "So you're saying it was me, then? I'm the cause of your little… problem?"

"I… no, no, that's not what I meant."

"Because you seemed to find me very attractive earlier tonight with all your "ohh, your hair is like a sunset and your eyes are as blue as the sky". You really should get new lines." Her hair really did look like a sunset, especially now that she was standing glaring down at him, the flickering light of a candle creating a glow around her. But he'd say her eyes were more storm than blue sky now.

"I did find you attractive. I mean, I do – I do find you attractive." Anders scrunched up into the headboard, trying to make himself as small a target as possible; she looked ready to strike at any moment. "It's not you, it's me. I'm sorry, Linsey."

"It's Lilah." She turned on her heel and strode into the adjoining room, sheet and all. Anders winced as she slammed the door.

Well. He couldn't stay here. Anders struggled into his robes, and left the room despondently, running straight into Nate.

"Nate! Nate listen, I have to ask you a question. Promise you won't tell anyone."

"Depends on what it is, I can't make any promises."

"Fine. Have you had… umm," Anders cleared his throat, wondering how to ask Nate this. "Have you had any problems? You know… in the, ah, bedroom?"

"I'm not sure what you mean."

"Have you had any problems… coming to attention?" Nate still looked at him blankly. "You know, keeping it up." Anders made a small movement with his hand, trying to illustrate the problem.

"Oh. No. Are you having trouble achieving an erection?" Nate's face was serious.

"Shhhh!" Anders looked around. "Just this one time. She said it was normal, but it's never happened to me before. Nate, I think it's the taint. It's ruined me." Anders shoulders slumped dejectedly.

"Don't worry," Nate awkwardly patted his back. "I'm sure it'll be fine. And if not - sex isn't everything, no matter how you've lived your life until now. Maybe this will be good for you."

"Good?" Anders huffed, "How can this be good?"

"Well, go ask the Commander. She's had more experience with Warden issues. Maybe she can help."

Anders flushed, thinking of explaining to the Commander. But there was nothing for it. He would have to ask.

...

"Shouldn't we tell him?" Sigrun asked, watching Anders take the stairs, muttering to himself. Her cheeks were still sore from laughing.

"No, not just yet. This'll do him a little good."

"It's almost sad."

"Serves him right. I'm sick of all those stories he tells every single night."

She nodded, "He did have it coming – he couldn't really believe we'd let him get away everything and do nothing in return?"

They followed slowly behind Anders, trying not to make it obvious.

"You did tell the Commander?" Nate asked.

"I did. I can't wait to see how she plays it out. How long will it last, anyway?"

"About another twelve hours," Nate smiled one of his rare smiles, his perpetual frown momentarily wiped away. "It usually takes a few days for the poison to leave the system, but we have faster metabolisms than most people."

...

"It's possible?" Anders voice was clear even from across the room. "Forever? Ughh, just let the darkspawn kill me now."

Oghren nudged Justice, nearly knocking him off his chair. "I do have the memories of one Warden," Justice said, "I recall… I think the word was 'Eunuch'?"

Anders gave a groan, like he'd been hit in the gut.

"Anders," the Commander said, "I told you strange effects could show up. It's not completely unexpected."

"It is to me," Anders said, resting his head in his hands.

"Well then, maybe you should stop playing practical jokes on rogues and dusters, human. It is highly inappropriate, and never without consequences," Velanna's cold voice responded. "If they had listened to me it would not have been reversible. Humans do not meddle with elves."

"Damn it, elf!" Oghren said, "You weren't supposed to tell. This was getting good. He was just about to start wringing his robes and crying like a little girl."

"This was a joke?" Anders looked around at all of them, blankly. Suddenly he started laughing. "You're right, Commander. It's not completely unexpected. Not even I would've thought of this. Clever. Spell, potion?" Nate shrugged noncommittally. "Ahh… How long will it last?"

No one answered as they filed away from the table.

"Nate? Nate? How long?"

Anders sighed. Well, at least it wasn't the taint. Things could always be worse. A bright thought crossed his mind. Girls liked a challenge – what better challenge than helping him overcome this dire affliction? Anders arranged his face into a sad expression and made his way to the bar, target in sight. It wasn't quite the night he'd expected, but he could work with it.


End file.
